Wild and Faithful Heart

I know its been awhile since , I have written and updated everyone on my life. I will try to be as detailed as I can be without revealing much. I am in my career field now , and I work full time. Within life now , I do qualify as an essential employee . But I am a part-timer now , within my job , they did take some sort per-cautions. Within those it doesn't feel normal anymore. I dont get to socialize or see my co-workers as much. But I try to make and feel like work is normal. Such as the news recommends , wear makeup go to work and feel like everything is normal. I am grateful though for the small things , the people who support my brothers and soon to be sisters within our field. Giving us the option to not worry about a meal , so we can be concentrated on more important matters. Sure , I know they get gifts all the time , but remembering the employees that work with them as well. Truly makes my heart smile. As well , just remembering there are other parts of the team. D...

Why Do I write? I come and write the most random things in this blog , and when the topics can range from my basic life or things from my past  . I share pieces of my journey of my life because I want people to know that they arent alone along with their feelings or things that may have happened to them. I have an empathetic personality , within that I can feel emotions more deeply. I tend to want to help out and reach out more. My Blog well this one specifically is a way for me to reach out without actually being there. I've had a colorful life , and my life has been easy and then its been hard. I deal with depression sometimes , and then sometimes I deal with anxiety , or nervousness or im happy. The emotions I can feel range but its not a constant battle over time ive learned to deal with my emotions , in a healthy way. But it wasn't that way for awhile learning how to cope , giving myself that step to walk into a counselors office within my university. And shown I can b...

We haven't talked in a few days , or seen each other in months . The days go on and its hard not to believe everything that others tell me. Somehow I thought it would all be different, somehow I thought you were different this time. We finally understood each other , and somehow everything would be different. Now im just here with my thoughts and its hard to not completely think you've changed your mind. Others would tell me be patient while others say your covering for another life you've started with someone else. Its hard not to think you just used me , like the past.. its hard not to let the tears fall . Its an on going battle not to block you from all my social media and move on with someone. Start fresh move away from everything and just be selfish for once. But yet here I am waiting.. stupidly on my part I think. Because when it comes down to it .. it will always be you.. my heart somehow will always want you.. Unsure if you'll ever read this but if you do.. ...

Tonight I sit here and write my feelings out because , I cant calm down otherwise. The time ticks away , as I should be sleeping for work the next day. When I started this blog well .. this one personally I wanted to share my life experiences with the world. I wanted to share my struggles my triumphs and my battles. My dreams and I wanted first to let people know that they are not alone within all of this. That there is someone out there who cares and understands what you are going through. Well , mental health has been here and there in the media lately , and while everyone feels like they know how to fix their friends. To hold their hand , while they rant and rave , or cry do they really know what their friends need? Can you spot someone in the crowd that has been struggling lately? that hides behind a smile , and then goes home alone and cries themselves to sleep at night? No this isn't a self help post , or what to do when your friend is depressed. The one thing that people in...

I haven't written in forever and sometimes thats usually my fault. Life usually gets the better of me and I push this aside. As stated in my last post , I am now an official alumni from my school ENMU. And now I am a substitute teacher for the same school district I actually graduated from in 2010. I subbed for the greater half of my spring semester as they would call it. And I am kinda looking forwarding to maybe sub for a whole school year until I move on to greener pastures somewhere else if  life allows me to. Realizing that work alone and the church activities keep me busy on my own. Usually do the job I often wondered how I survived while I had school going on. Apart from finishing the year , im hopeful to make this the Sumner I actually travel a little bit. Apart from traveling and trying to find a place in this world. I am a Monarch Formals Model for 2018 , Monarch Formals is a non-profit organization that provides formals for those who might not be able to afford that ...

I dont think in a normal sense that , I did not move on.. I just somehow held hope that maybe. Though he was horrible match , I still loved him with my whole being. And I am still effected to this day by the things that happened. I am now , ripping off that imaginary band -aid allowing the wound to bleed its course to heal and to repair and scab over. We travel we search that whole world for someone who would understand what we feel. And when we think that we have found that person , its so hard to let go.  When that person has found someone else.  You have to stop , stop bringing up the memories , stop looking to the past to fulfill the hurt that has long since past.  But somehow , even years from now I know that we will somehow think about the past . Though we do our best not to. We will still remember the gifts the trips , the love that was shared no matter the harder times that were shared. He has moved on and so should you. You need , I need to allow myself to ...

I struggle , I struggle with the past , with the hurt that I feel day to day sometimes. I struggle with the life I thought I was going to have two years ago. I struggle with the self confidence , and feeling comfortable in my own skin. We all have our struggles , and our vices things that no matter how much self improvement we want to do . They will always be there , and it sucks but I digress we move on. But through and through we have to remember that , The Lord is with us no matter what . Through our tears and our self doubt that we believe in he is there. He reminds us in scripture , through these verses and more . That though we may struggle we need to know that Trusting in him , is something that needs to happen. Without learning to trust him , then we will continue to self doubt our problems and troubles. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your...

When it comes down to it , and its the brutal truth . Maybe someday you will read this or maybe not. Most days I believe that I kept going despite all the craziness that went with your life. If I honestly gave up then I would have left a long time ago. I stuck it out for 3 years, and when it comes close to say it. I would not have changed it for the world , you showed  me so much , what I wanted to have and what I did not need to deal with or deserve. When I do get in that mood or I think about what could have happened. I was the one who was wanting to stick it out until the end. I was the one who would have climbed mountains for you. When you did the basics , you were loving you were there for me when it counted. But at the same time , you lost that same spirit that you once had. But I still remember that day , when you gave up . When you said that is enough , when you sat and told me all these lies. And dont get me wrong , I thought at the time , it was the truth. YOU were the...

You have now made it to Winter Break ? Now what , its Time to relax and renew and hopefully get some rest after some taxing finals. But what really do you do between christmas and new years? What comes down to the nitty gritty of sitting at home having nothing to do? Well For me Its usually a time to catch to plan . But when you plan things do not usually work out. But with that being said, there is so much that can be done. With this blog and so much more that I am trying to plan out. But what about others? Without being too lazy what can you do? make goals plan for tomorrow  organize  watch tv  These are a few simple things I can make these lists over and over and still be left with a whole lot of other postings and such. It doesnt matter much though , but then its pretty awesome it just depends on what is going on with my life.  But when I comes down to it , I hope you make your break for what it is worth and hopefully get some things done!  ...

What attracts you on Love? This isn't as much an open ended question as a question for debate. It is not really as specific as you would like. I mean what would attract me on love? what is the qualities that I look for in a potential boyfriend? Then there is the other question what does love mean to you? I guess I can answer some or maybe all of these questions. Love is something that is unfiltered and raw. Something that can make you feel your best on one day. And then the next feel like the most alone person in the room. It can be a mother loving her kids enough to make sure they eat before her. Or someone as much as giving away their last dollar to someone so they can eat. Love can and does come in all shapes and sizes. Then I guess comes with the open ended question , what does attract me to someone? Do I have a specific list? Must they meet certain qualifications? First I honestly dont feel as if I should do that to someone you cannot make them into something their not. ...

Day 15: Where Do you see yourself in the Next Five years? In the next five years well that is something, to think about I mean everyone asks. Especially college students, I honestly hope that I am graduated and have my degree in criminal justice. With the plans that I have which include traveling and working as a missionary around the world. Which is a huge dream, and scary dream of mine. I hope comes in some sort of form. My dreams though I know arent really or may be in the plans for me. Which have always been dream and I hope they come true, is like I have which is to graduate , move from NM , fall in love again . Learn how to trust someone, again with my heart, and hope that we can pursue what God has in store for the both of us. Get married heck maybe have a few kids or even one. I wouldn't mind , get another pet. Though I feel like I could do that already I know I have to work , on myself and love myself again before I love someone else. Which I am slowly doing , and it ...

My Life, " Purpose is born out of passion" , is one of the quotes that sticks with me. But what does it mean? Well to me , mostly I believe when you feel passionate about something. It can almost mean anything, but for me. I mostly have the passion to serve others , my mother raised me to have the passion to serve. It was something as small as collecting items for kids in Russia or being helpful to the teacher. Washing boards and keep the classroom clean, when I went into grade school , I loved working in the cafeteria . I served other students , and ate my lunch when everyone was finished eating. Though being an introverted personality with extroverted times in my life , I loved being the person behind the scenes. Growing up I had dreams of being a missionary or a speaker traveling the world and helping out. Talking to people about my experiences, how I lived my life. As I became a teenager , I struggled with my self-worth and somehow I knew I wanted to help those who f...

I haven't talked on here in awhile , and other than my usual talk. I thought I would talk about different parts of my life. And since this is the net , as I would call it when I talk about other family members I usually refer them to their first name or a different name altogether. To keep them safe , and to keep my family safe. Ok back to my post I just thought I would make that Clear to some who wonder and read this blog. Anyways , somedays I can remember the first day when my mother told me she was pregnant. I was in 2nd grade I believe and I was ecstatic and curious. Most of my life till that time wondered how it would be to have a sibling. What it would be , and what would happen. Who knew , I grew up more faster than I thought? My mother is a single mother if no one knew. So I became and starting to take on the role of big sister and little mommy. I dont want anyone to think my mother did not do her job. Shes a wonderful mother , but she thought it would be a good time to te...

"The kingdom's is not where you think , Its not in the sky its here now"-its not what you think Jefferson bethke Most the time people think  that Christianity is a take it or leave it sort of thing. This means that there wont be much of a difference if they accept the word or not. Its not going to make much of a difference so why bother? I get a few conversations here and there about my faith. And while on a missions trip , I got to talk to a lot of non-believers . They dont feel the need to become something more because they feel like Jesus is an option. A lot of Christians settle for the title that they receive when they accept Christ as their savior. That it all leads up to being in heaven with him. But life is truly making the gospel and Jesus apart of our everyday lives.  What does it mean though? to truly have a life impart with him and putting Jesus in our everyday life. To truly be apart of the kingdom , what does that mean for us? What is the true mark...

I didn't want to be that lovesick person , who still thinks about her ex. I have my faults and I know he is someone who is like a weakness to me. Something that I think back on though I shouldn't. He was someone , I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I make these posts once a month. Wondering about it all , wondering why I couldn't just read the signs and just leave. I guess I am human. I rather not bore y'all , but sometimes I feel the need to let these emotions out. I dream about him , mostly arguing and fighting about what happened. Seeing him with another girl , I feel like these dreams are petty and most days I want them to stop. I want to stop seeing him in my dreams. I want the feelings to stop , I want to stop feeling something for him. He was like something I never encountered. I was in love and apparently he wasn't. Ill keep this short and go back to my faith base posts . Which I have not been posting in awhile .  .. now stay t...

What is Shame defined as?  " a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." Being Christian these feelings come full force , when we know we have done something wrong against God's Word and teachings. I can name various times where I have struggled with shame in my life, its not an easy feeling to wish away. I guess one huge example I can name , is having sex before marriage I made the mistake of believing it was something to take lightly. But as I dive further and understand the lord more and his plan for his children I know that I was in the wrong. I was the one who saw this as a time to somehow defy what I believed in. And I feel shame for it , there are days where I hate myself for the fact I gave in to lust. But when we hide is when God , reminds us he starts to call us back into his arms. In the chapter of genesis , we are given the story of Adam and Eve and as soon as they ate from the tree of knowledg...

They say that God gives us this one life to live and then throws in the impossible. To see if we are strong enough to live with everything that happens in our life.. Honestly there has been a few things that have made me want to check out and leave. Such as people leaving , when I full heartily expected them to stay. Friends , and close friends , all gone .. I often wonder what is my deal. With letting new people into my life. I can smile and pretend like , im letting the person in. But honestly I think im to that point where I'm so closed off now , I don't let anyone in. Unless I think they can handle it. Im one of those people who have a collection of small and big scars that are "there" on my mind and my soul. I guess its going to take someone special to look past them and see that there is something there worth loving. That no matter how closed off and how much of a train wreak I feel someday's that there is someone that is just looking to be loved and want...

I love this quote for many reasons, I often tend to over think myself . And tell myself I can deal with all the bullshit that life throws at me . Fake friends , Lost Friends , And everything in between.. I also tell myself that I will not bother with friends who do not want me in their life or dont talk to me . All they are is people I know and people who know me. Nothing else nothing more , I've often been told as well that life shouldn't be focused on those who just take up my time. All that matters is my life , and my life with my hubby dont worry about those who are fake. It holds its truth, I dont need to worry about those who waste my time and those who dont deserve my time. Its a lonely life , but I am working on achieving my goals. And working on discovering myself and  being in a committed relationship. I also wondered about some people and how they view my "submissive" relationship. I read about a famous woman who applies this to her marriage , and shes...

Life can be a fickle thing sometimes , I thought I had finally made it home and was going to start my life with my baby (aka furbaby snickers) and my hubby. I had moved back and I was happy, but we were struggling money wise and it hurt to see snickers daddy so stressed about the littlest things. So the school decided to give me federal work-study money to work , but the thing was I had already left! what the heck , finally I got so upset and wound up that I decided to leave the family once more. It hurt so much because I wanted to stay so bad , but we needed the money . So I have packed up clothing and school things and now im living with my mother while I take a seasonal job at my college. And I've never missed my life at home with my cat and my hubby more. I thought I had climbed this hill , but none the less I want to thank-you everyone who sent litter  and food to help us . It was greatly needed and taken , so thank-you You dont know how much it means to me . None the less ...