Wild and Faithful Heart

  Patient Zero I was “patient zero.” And I mean that in the way that, according to him, I was the first person who treated him better than any of the recent girls he had dated. But sometimes I wonder if I was more than patient zero. Maybe I was the first person to experience a version of him that I didn't yet have the words to understand. I recently listened to Taylor Swift's song “Patient Zero,” and the more I listened, the more pieces of my own story seemed to appear in the lyrics. The song talks about someone who comes into your life like fireworks. Someone who seems to have a halo, while there is something darker underneath. It talks about the “toxins” slowly taking hold and about someone who can charm the people around you while the relationship behind closed doors tells a completely different story. That was my relationship. From the outside, we gave everyone a show. We looked like the perfect couple. I doted on him, catered to him, and tried to be the best partner I cou...

  I haven't written in this blog in forever , but I need to start writing again. Sharing my feelings in hopes that someone knew they weren't alone in their struggles always made me feel like it was worth it. If just one person understood , and knew that they weren't alone in this then my little blog was worth it. And honestly its a dying art , not many people blog anymore.  So back to the subject in question Ambiguous grief , or  “ambiguous loss.” is defined it as occurring when there is a physical absence with psychological presence (e.g., a loved one is physically missing or bodily gone) or when there is a psychological absence with a physical presence (e.g., Alzheimer’s and other dementias). A mbiguous loss  differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.”  This was coined or first brought to attention by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970's who is a family the...

 If I could I would say this.. since you've been in my life . You've made me feel like somehow I can conquer the world and try my best at anything. When your name lights up on my phone , I smile one of those smiles that you love. Just honestly friends right now , but I want to know you more and learn more and keep having you around me. You make me laugh with the silliest and stupidest things , you make me want to be better for myself and you. I know that our pasts have been not the greatest and we've had pain and things that we regret. You tell me , your keeping your distance because your scared at what I will think. But still, I want you to come closer to draw closer within your own time. Please don't ever feel that you aren't enough. Don't ever think that I wont turn away.. somehow things work out for a reason and things are still smoky as I would call it. We don't know where this is going to go.. but I still see something there I just don't know what ...

  I wouldn't think of this as much as of a life update , but rather me expressing my feelings and emotions on paper.  So please bear with me if my thoughts at the moment seem like a mess.  Ever since I closed the door on one "serious" relationship . I knew within that time I needed to be happy with myself , be happy alone and understand myself a bit more. But within that I've gained the knowledge of those things that damaged me or changed me . Through out the journey of trying to alter these feelings or thoughts its been a rough patch of months and days but I feel like I've been through it . Coming out of the other side of that , I am still struggling with fearful thoughts that , people will always leave. Since I've been left so many times in my life and honestly too many times to count. But yet I have not allowed that to not make my kind heart unkind. But just rather jaded , feeling like used and left .. sorta feelings. I want that connection though I want to...

I know its been awhile since , I have written and updated everyone on my life. I will try to be as detailed as I can be without revealing much. I am in my career field now , and I work full time. Within life now , I do qualify as an essential employee . But I am a part-timer now , within my job , they did take some sort per-cautions. Within those it doesn't feel normal anymore. I dont get to socialize or see my co-workers as much. But I try to make and feel like work is normal. Such as the news recommends , wear makeup go to work and feel like everything is normal. I am grateful though for the small things , the people who support my brothers and soon to be sisters within our field. Giving us the option to not worry about a meal , so we can be concentrated on more important matters. Sure , I know they get gifts all the time , but remembering the employees that work with them as well. Truly makes my heart smile. As well , just remembering there are other parts of the team. D...

Its been awhile since I posted , when school is around I tend to get busy and my writing and posting takes a back seat. But there is so much going on within my life , its nice to write everything out and see it. I read my posts back in my head and I understand that things happen for a reason. Now back to my life at the moment , I am still a substitute teacher. Looking back on it and yes it has been a year since I've started at that position. But within that I know that it was something I needed to do to understand the lords timing in my life. And show me one of the gifts I have been provided , im told I have this great amount of patience . Mostly for younger kids , and within that I am often reminded of those teachers who had the patience to deal with me. Even if its just one day you can create a positive effect on a child that might last a life time.  I do have times in public where I am approached by students , that are younger if I would guess they range from preschool to 4th...

Why Do I write? I come and write the most random things in this blog , and when the topics can range from my basic life or things from my past  . I share pieces of my journey of my life because I want people to know that they arent alone along with their feelings or things that may have happened to them. I have an empathetic personality , within that I can feel emotions more deeply. I tend to want to help out and reach out more. My Blog well this one specifically is a way for me to reach out without actually being there. I've had a colorful life , and my life has been easy and then its been hard. I deal with depression sometimes , and then sometimes I deal with anxiety , or nervousness or im happy. The emotions I can feel range but its not a constant battle over time ive learned to deal with my emotions , in a healthy way. But it wasn't that way for awhile learning how to cope , giving myself that step to walk into a counselors office within my university. And shown I can b...

I want midnight runs cruising around town , going out on a summer night to watch the stars. I want randomness , and just because , I love you kinda days. I love the small things , the I just thought of you. I want the hugs around the waist and the kiss on the cheek. I want the " thats her " and the silly grin on your face afterwards . I want the randomness of cooking dinner for me and you , and having a night in . I want the dates where we dress up and paint the town red. Where we keep nothing from each other and lift each other up and cheer each other on. I want those nights where , nothing has gone right and no words are said but , we hold each other and just have a general unsaid conversation. I want the days and nights where we keep laughing because your my best friend and its just been a day where laughter and love is just flowing. I want those days where you let me nurse you back to health after being sick. I want those days where you do the same for me when im sick....

(( random thoughts tonight)) Its coming up over a little of 5 years , since I turned and left a life that I didn't think I was going to leave. I know at times , people might think I sound like a broken record , since well its been five years I know most people would sit there and say come on and move on. To be honest yes I have moved on my life does not revolve around his issues or his families issues anymore. But there are after effects it has been proven that emotional abuse survivors deal with , they may move on. But by impulse there are things certain triggers that can cause a survivor to dive into a tail spin. When I say tail spin , that doesn't mean someone is going to do something drastic . It might be something as simple as , taking an afternoon off and isolation from the rest of the world. They may cry or release the tension or emotion somehow. Within recovery you start to learn what these things are what are triggers , for me It was useful to be connected to a s...

We haven't talked in a few days , or seen each other in months . The days go on and its hard not to believe everything that others tell me. Somehow I thought it would all be different, somehow I thought you were different this time. We finally understood each other , and somehow everything would be different. Now im just here with my thoughts and its hard to not completely think you've changed your mind. Others would tell me be patient while others say your covering for another life you've started with someone else. Its hard not to think you just used me , like the past.. its hard not to let the tears fall . Its an on going battle not to block you from all my social media and move on with someone. Start fresh move away from everything and just be selfish for once. But yet here I am waiting.. stupidly on my part I think. Because when it comes down to it .. it will always be you.. my heart somehow will always want you.. Unsure if you'll ever read this but if you do.. ...

This might be a long or a short entry.. The last journal or blog post as we all know it . I wasn't in the best place , I was down a dark hole. Do I often go there ? No I dont I usually tend to have a more positive view on my life. I mean honestly it can be worse . There are so many people that usually tell you that. I started the process to start my career in law enforcement , within this last year. And honestly it has been hard , while I write this post it is currently 43 degrees outside and I am currently planning on going on my daily run\jog. Its truly hard to go , when my body doesn't love it. But I just feel drawn to law enforcement , although graduated with a very broad field. Within this , you also could ask you struggle with stress and anxiety so why bother with a job that is going to throw you in a higher levels of stress and anxiety? I've become a pro at self care and handling how I feel within my life. If you are given the right tools to handle that type of st...

Tonight I sit here and write my feelings out because , I cant calm down otherwise. The time ticks away , as I should be sleeping for work the next day. When I started this blog well .. this one personally I wanted to share my life experiences with the world. I wanted to share my struggles my triumphs and my battles. My dreams and I wanted first to let people know that they are not alone within all of this. That there is someone out there who cares and understands what you are going through. Well , mental health has been here and there in the media lately , and while everyone feels like they know how to fix their friends. To hold their hand , while they rant and rave , or cry do they really know what their friends need? Can you spot someone in the crowd that has been struggling lately? that hides behind a smile , and then goes home alone and cries themselves to sleep at night? No this isn't a self help post , or what to do when your friend is depressed. The one thing that people in...

I haven't written in forever and sometimes thats usually my fault. Life usually gets the better of me and I push this aside. As stated in my last post , I am now an official alumni from my school ENMU. And now I am a substitute teacher for the same school district I actually graduated from in 2010. I subbed for the greater half of my spring semester as they would call it. And I am kinda looking forwarding to maybe sub for a whole school year until I move on to greener pastures somewhere else if  life allows me to. Realizing that work alone and the church activities keep me busy on my own. Usually do the job I often wondered how I survived while I had school going on. Apart from finishing the year , im hopeful to make this the Sumner I actually travel a little bit. Apart from traveling and trying to find a place in this world. I am a Monarch Formals Model for 2018 , Monarch Formals is a non-profit organization that provides formals for those who might not be able to afford that ...

Well its happened , the one thing that I cried over stressed over seven years well six of my life slaving for a degree. This last December , I graduated with my degree officially now I have a bachelor's degree in criminal justice with a minor in sociology. It was this roller coaster of life , for a few weeks , wondering if truly I had received my degree. Well , long story short I got the official answer to my question and I was given my diploma. As always I usually get the post grad questions and something I knew I had to get use to. What now? Arent you glad? Get Ready for the rest of your life? Well , its been going on seven weeks fresh out of my school job. Rules are if you arent a student well you cant hold a student job. So I had to leave the one job I had held for two years going on three. It was bitter sweet , to volunteer to leave one of my favorite positions that I had held as a student . So I guess what is the question now? What is on my mind now? Well I've been on th...

This last week , there has been so much effort to spread awareness about suicide we learned of the lead singer for Linkin Park took his own life. For most reasons that were not stated. When someone is hurting , they may not always show it, even the happiest people can cry in the dark. I've dealt with my battles in the past , and I still sometimes deal with self confidence issues. But the one thing , for sure there is so much holding me here giving me hope. I have friends and I have family that I know would be there , if I asked. For those who sit there and tell me well I dont have anyone , you need to realize there is someone out there who loves you. There has been so much media , and craze with 13 reasons why , and its going on its 2nd season. I am not thrilled , this is only highlighting something many people deal with. The lead character , leaves "tapes" for those she left behind stating why she took her own life. I have seen the teaser for season 2 , which left me ...

What Wonder Woman taught me , right now everyone is raving about the new wonder woman movie. For most people its just another movie that they will watch and enjoy. Not thinking about what is going on across the world. You see this woman , come alive on screen , she runs into danger and she fights "bad guys". I have seen countless photos of smaller girls wearing the outfit with grins on their faces. Embracing and seeing this woman on screen not afraid but rather going towards danger. I am 25 years old at the moment . Watching is movie for me , was like I was five again  seeing that a woman could be fearless and have emotions as well. To see a woman , command a presence when she goes to battle with men. I've talked about it before , I was raised by my mother I never knew my father until I was much older. I saw my mother strong raising a daughter on her own trying her best to make sure that I had a childhood.     All my life , I grew up with strong women who showed th...

Its that moment of clarity , where you finally feel like your in a good place . Your ready to leave it all behind, to take a chance. And although the road may feel shaky , and unsure somehow you feel like its time. Its time to fully leave the past behind , to quit looking back, to stop thinking that somehow . The person that broke your heart , that abused you will come back. That somehow everything will be better , and normal . Its not and it will never be, a tiger will never fully change its stripes. Im ready to feel butterflies , when I hear my name called . To be called beautiful , for who I am now not someone I will be in the future. But for who I am now , to sit down and have dinner and watch a movie , to cuddle with someone and feel my heart full. To stop the feeling of walking on egg shells and know that they will love you no matter what. To have someone passionate for you and to serve the lord. To wake up in the morning and see them beside you. To hopefully wake up one day i...

So , I am going to update you all on the journey so far , I have stepped up the work and the effort to lose the stubborn weight that I have been carrying all these days. Since the semester has ended my two hour workouts , have been shorted to an 30 min workout at the most. I am going to try to do my best to take back the time that I have lost and add one more hour , for the total of 3 hours spread out through the day. Two here , one here , and one last one somewhere in between . I think the word for this Sumner , would be confidence to have the passion to dive after my weight loss goals and crush them. I already have crushed one goal , to pass a certain physical fitness test I need to run 1.50 in 15 min , I can run 1.00 in 17 , so I need to cut that down. But its a start , As well as having a meal plan and sticking to it . Sweets and junk every once in awhile more like once a month or so. Sticking with a plan makes something more worthwhile.  Until next time.  start wei...

I dont think in a normal sense that , I did not move on.. I just somehow held hope that maybe. Though he was horrible match , I still loved him with my whole being. And I am still effected to this day by the things that happened. I am now , ripping off that imaginary band -aid allowing the wound to bleed its course to heal and to repair and scab over. We travel we search that whole world for someone who would understand what we feel. And when we think that we have found that person , its so hard to let go.  When that person has found someone else.  You have to stop , stop bringing up the memories , stop looking to the past to fulfill the hurt that has long since past.  But somehow , even years from now I know that we will somehow think about the past . Though we do our best not to. We will still remember the gifts the trips , the love that was shared no matter the harder times that were shared. He has moved on and so should you. You need , I need to allow myself to ...

Its hard for me not to , but I still think what or where would be now? Would we be married? Would we be living in Texas ? What would be doing? I know Im better off without you , but there are those moments where I miss you. I see you in other people , and I know thats wrong , I should not miss you I should be thinking about the bad times. But I still remember the way that you smelled , the curious look in your eye when you were up to no good. The childlike wonder , I still think what would be today , if we never departed what would we be? These are my random thoughts..