Maybe im Scared ,

 

I wouldn't think of this as much as of a life update , but rather me expressing my feelings and emotions on paper. 

So please bear with me if my thoughts at the moment seem like a mess.  Ever since I closed the door on one "serious" relationship . I knew within that time I needed to be happy with myself , be happy alone and understand myself a bit more. But within that I've gained the knowledge of those things that damaged me or changed me . Through out the journey of trying to alter these feelings or thoughts its been a rough patch of months and days but I feel like I've been through it . Coming out of the other side of that , I am still struggling with fearful thoughts that , people will always leave. Since I've been left so many times in my life and honestly too many times to count. But yet I have not allowed that to not make my kind heart unkind. But just rather jaded , feeling like used and left .. sorta feelings. I want that connection though I want to grow with someone , and learn from someone . I don't want to stay the same nor be standing in the same place I was standing in a few years ago.  Now do I want to start or be with someone right away? no I believe the best relationships have started out as friendships and then grown into something more. Do I follow that sorta dynamic to a T? also a No . I am not a perfect person , I have flaws and as much as some of them I rather not embrace and others I do .  Its all apart of this journey that I feel that I am on. Now I would never want anyone to feel pressured to be or stay in my company . But I would like to have the company, but its still that fearfulness of getting close to someone and having them leave.  Fear seems like the main subject in my life . Are they thinking about leaving? what if they leave? Can I keep moving on with my life? Questions keep running around in my mind. I want to know so much but I'm so scared. And I know somehow these thoughts can be damaging but yet I keep on. My overthinking mind works .. and works into overdrive trying to find an answer to these problems. 

Then on the other hand , my mind goes to this place of defense of wanting to stand up for myself. To yell and to make noise . But if I did express my feelings would that person still feel the same? or would people still feel the same? I am tried of people thinking they are making the best decisions on my behalf. I am grown and I don't need the choice made for me especially if I made the first choice . 

like I said.. thoughts and its a mess.