Wild and Faithful Heart

  I wouldn't think of this as much as of a life update , but rather me expressing my feelings and emotions on paper.  So please bear with me if my thoughts at the moment seem like a mess.  Ever since I closed the door on one "serious" relationship . I knew within that time I needed to be happy with myself , be happy alone and understand myself a bit more. But within that I've gained the knowledge of those things that damaged me or changed me . Through out the journey of trying to alter these feelings or thoughts its been a rough patch of months and days but I feel like I've been through it . Coming out of the other side of that , I am still struggling with fearful thoughts that , people will always leave. Since I've been left so many times in my life and honestly too many times to count. But yet I have not allowed that to not make my kind heart unkind. But just rather jaded , feeling like used and left .. sorta feelings. I want that connection though I want to

I know its been awhile since , I have written and updated everyone on my life. I will try to be as detailed as I can be without revealing much. I am in my career field now , and I work full time. Within life now , I do qualify as an essential employee . But I am a part-timer now , within my job , they did take some sort per-cautions. Within those it doesn't feel normal anymore. I dont get to socialize or see my co-workers as much. But I try to make and feel like work is normal. Such as the news recommends , wear makeup go to work and feel like everything is normal. I am grateful though for the small things , the people who support my brothers and soon to be sisters within our field. Giving us the option to not worry about a meal , so we can be concentrated on more important matters. Sure , I know they get gifts all the time , but remembering the employees that work with them as well. Truly makes my heart smile. As well , just remembering there are other parts of the team. D

Its been awhile since I posted , when school is around I tend to get busy and my writing and posting takes a back seat. But there is so much going on within my life , its nice to write everything out and see it. I read my posts back in my head and I understand that things happen for a reason. Now back to my life at the moment , I am still a substitute teacher. Looking back on it and yes it has been a year since I've started at that position. But within that I know that it was something I needed to do to understand the lords timing in my life. And show me one of the gifts I have been provided , im told I have this great amount of patience . Mostly for younger kids , and within that I am often reminded of those teachers who had the patience to deal with me. Even if its just one day you can create a positive effect on a child that might last a life time.  I do have times in public where I am approached by students , that are younger if I would guess they range from preschool to 4th

Why Do I write? I come and write the most random things in this blog , and when the topics can range from my basic life or things from my past  . I share pieces of my journey of my life because I want people to know that they arent alone along with their feelings or things that may have happened to them. I have an empathetic personality , within that I can feel emotions more deeply. I tend to want to help out and reach out more. My Blog well this one specifically is a way for me to reach out without actually being there. I've had a colorful life , and my life has been easy and then its been hard. I deal with depression sometimes , and then sometimes I deal with anxiety , or nervousness or im happy. The emotions I can feel range but its not a constant battle over time ive learned to deal with my emotions , in a healthy way. But it wasn't that way for awhile learning how to cope , giving myself that step to walk into a counselors office within my university. And shown I can b

I want midnight runs cruising around town , going out on a summer night to watch the stars. I want randomness , and just because , I love you kinda days. I love the small things , the I just thought of you. I want the hugs around the waist and the kiss on the cheek. I want the " thats her " and the silly grin on your face afterwards . I want the randomness of cooking dinner for me and you , and having a night in . I want the dates where we dress up and paint the town red. Where we keep nothing from each other and lift each other up and cheer each other on. I want those nights where , nothing has gone right and no words are said but , we hold each other and just have a general unsaid conversation. I want the days and nights where we keep laughing because your my best friend and its just been a day where laughter and love is just flowing. I want those days where you let me nurse you back to health after being sick. I want those days where you do the same for me when im sick.

(( random thoughts tonight)) Its coming up over a little of 5 years , since I turned and left a life that I didn't think I was going to leave. I know at times , people might think I sound like a broken record , since well its been five years I know most people would sit there and say come on and move on. To be honest yes I have moved on my life does not revolve around his issues or his families issues anymore. But there are after effects it has been proven that emotional abuse survivors deal with , they may move on. But by impulse there are things certain triggers that can cause a survivor to dive into a tail spin. When I say tail spin , that doesn't mean someone is going to do something drastic . It might be something as simple as , taking an afternoon off and isolation from the rest of the world. They may cry or release the tension or emotion somehow. Within recovery you start to learn what these things are what are triggers , for me It was useful to be connected to a s