Wild and Faithful Heart

 Amid my crazy life , and things that now flow within it. I always come back to him , my first everything . My first true relationship , my first kiss.. there was days where life was simple. And filled with wonder and delight.  I wanted to write this post to get this off my back. I met a milestone today I deleted hopefully and removed from sight my last photos of us. I look at the light in our eyes, the hope for the future that we were going to live together. But what I couldn't see was the slight control you had over my life. Sure I had freedoms , that was a given I was allowed to do things maybe others couldn't . I feel like this is the 6th or 5th post ive made , but when I back down I see this as a healing process. Its been a full year and a couple of months since , I turned and left. Since I left the dreams that I had thought of us. You since this , and now I have no clue last I heard you were on your 2nd girlfriend or maybe the same one. Me since then? no one , a few...

I am currently reading several books , I try to give each an equal time of reading. One of them is A tale of three kings and one is a "fun" book and the other is a devotional type of book . From one of my favorite authors , either way im reading this Sumner. You can catch it all on my good reads profile. Anyways.. if I usually have a headline for this I think of it as something worth being shared. They are my thoughts on the book and what I think... so .. lets go...!  The first few chapters bring us the story of David , a young Shepard boy. Who took care of their families flock of sheep. He was the youngest and a passive person I think . Being the youngest he wasn't really relied on much but to watch and protect the sheep. Samuel , was told to find the next ruler of the kingdom. Though he did not find David right on time , he thought that God meant for one of this other brothers to become King. One was strong the other smart, they each had some kind of characteri...

What is Shame defined as?  " a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." Being Christian these feelings come full force , when we know we have done something wrong against God's Word and teachings. I can name various times where I have struggled with shame in my life, its not an easy feeling to wish away. I guess one huge example I can name , is having sex before marriage I made the mistake of believing it was something to take lightly. But as I dive further and understand the lord more and his plan for his children I know that I was in the wrong. I was the one who saw this as a time to somehow defy what I believed in. And I feel shame for it , there are days where I hate myself for the fact I gave in to lust. But when we hide is when God , reminds us he starts to call us back into his arms. In the chapter of genesis , we are given the story of Adam and Eve and as soon as they ate from the tree of knowledg...

Its been about a full year and several months , since I left and never looked back and honestly I want to say two years almost.  My life , is an endless journey of finding who I am and where I am going after college . Along with taking greater steps in my life. Last January , I felt lost and alone wondering what was going to happen. I had my family and I had others that seem to lift me out of the hole I put myself in. Though there was some aspects of my relationship that were good , I mean the abuse wasn't there at some points in my life. It still did not excuse the fact that , there was certain things wrong about my relationship, wires were crossed things just did not add up. Why did he say he love me and then insult me sometimes behind closed doors? I had a dream the other night , visiting him at a house his friends and his family talking about a baby that he was going to have with his girlfriend. Then finally getting some time alone with him to ask him how he felt. Things...

Maybe he doesn't hit you , is a hashtag that is starting to trend on twitter and is starting a movement to prove that abuse is not only physical but emotional and mental as well. Above is an example of a hashtag, I chose that as not only an example but also as a viewpoint of myself , something my ex did. And he used the excuse , because he loved me he felt etc was wrong for me or wasn't someone I should be talking to at the time. Or where I should work or who I should talk to because he knew them and they were not good according to him. The more I tend to look over my past relationship, the more I notice times where he was a decent boyfriend but with that being said there was periods of emotional and mental abuse that went on. Towards the end he made me feel like I was the one not paying attention, the one that wasn't putting forth the effort because I did not care. When I did , but when you are shut out , and told the same thing over and over. You stop trying to reach ou...

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. John 15:13 Last week , was my spring break and I used it to put it towards ministry needs. I have never been so excited to go on beach reach. Before I say anymore these photo's are in no necessary order. Just photos from my trip. Anyways back to my thoughts, this was something that I dont regret and something that I will always keep in my thoughts no matter what.   "Come, follow Me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men. Matthew 4:19" We started our week early by leaving Friday night when everyone else was preparing their week. I was in a Van. Praying and hoping this week peoples lives would be changed. Even though I have been on several mission trips. I had never been on something like this, I had never dealt with drunk people or people my own age. Sometimes we deal with our own fears, but once we get into that right mindset. Going and traveling that night I ...