Maybe.. A view now of a Christian ..

-
 Amid my crazy life , and things that now flow within it. I always come back to him , my first everything . My first true relationship , my first kiss.. there was days where life was simple. And filled with wonder and delight.
 I wanted to write this post to get this off my back. I met a milestone today I deleted hopefully and removed from sight my last photos of us. I look at the light in our eyes, the hope for the future that we were going to live together. But what I couldn't see was the slight control you had over my life. Sure I had freedoms , that was a given I was allowed to do things maybe others couldn't . I feel like this is the 6th or 5th post ive made , but when I back down I see this as a healing process. Its been a full year and a couple of months since , I turned and left. Since I left the dreams that I had thought of us. You since this , and now I have no clue last I heard you were on your 2nd girlfriend or maybe the same one. Me since then? no one , a few people have caught my attention . But nothing has stuck , in most ways I dont think im bitter , because you have someone . I hope you are happy and somewhat pleased with your choice. Because in the end , that is what you wanted. Thinking about it now , I feel like we were a good fit. But mixed in with a few character traits , that did not fit. One I believe that was huge was the fact , that I was christian and you weren't. I know plenty of couples that have seem to make it work on different sides of the spectrum. non - religious and religious that have also failed but then those relationships that have made it. The argument can be made on any side that , it either works or doesn't work. I believe we were meant to say goodbye.. in every argument  in every word said. I knew I was something with an end , I had dreams of compromising my faith and taking your name. I loved you that much, I wanted to spend forever with you. That is the one thing I dont think you understood towards the end of our relationship. That I was willing to do anything to be with you. A lot of names were thrown around , and lot of things said that fateful last night. You accused me of only being with you for the money. With all honesty I would have left within the first year , if it was just about the money. I loved you with all my heart , you were the one to see me through all the tough things I put myself through.. I dont know about you but it was real for me. You may have been lying but every word I said was the truth.. I just dont know in the end......
  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Recovery and Moving on with your life : Its a Process..

-
Image
Its coming up on two years since I packed up my stuff and left the place that I called home for the last three years. Though I dont feel like I should drag out my posts on what happened , then I feel like its a step in a long recovery of loving myself. And loving things before I associated them with him. Tears pouring down my face, I was told things would not change. But they did , I lost a pet ,  I lost someone that I thought loved me. Maybe he did at some point , but the love wasn't there anymore and thinking about it now . I really wish most days I left sooner, one step with recovery is you start liking and doing things you did during the relationship. Talking with a counselor , she also spoke of it being a remembrance of good memories not the bad ones.  I took a small step in that with cooking an egg in a nest, which is a piece of bread with an egg in the middle. Which was something that I loved , when I was with him. He actually made them for me when we first started d...
Read more

When it comes down to it .. You Gave Up , I did not ..

-
Image
When it comes down to it , and its the brutal truth . Maybe someday you will read this or maybe not. Most days I believe that I kept going despite all the craziness that went with your life. If I honestly gave up then I would have left a long time ago. I stuck it out for 3 years, and when it comes close to say it. I would not have changed it for the world , you showed  me so much , what I wanted to have and what I did not need to deal with or deserve. When I do get in that mood or I think about what could have happened. I was the one who was wanting to stick it out until the end. I was the one who would have climbed mountains for you. When you did the basics , you were loving you were there for me when it counted. But at the same time , you lost that same spirit that you once had. But I still remember that day , when you gave up . When you said that is enough , when you sat and told me all these lies. And dont get me wrong , I thought at the time , it was the truth. YOU were the...
Read more

Sometimes you Just have to work at it.

-
Image
Good Relationships , Dont Just happen they are built over a span of time . Sometimes are riddled with mistakes and sometimes things are just jumped quick. For example , my relationship is something that at the same is the most unperfect thing in the world. We jumped things way too quick, we moved in too quick and we did a lot of things way too quick. Our relationship does need work and  we do know it. Sometimes well all the time you need to be honest with yourself , sometimes change is good when thinking about a lot of things. As I'm not going into details because that is my private life , but honestly when thinking about it sometimes change is good. And sometimes change is needed when improving a relationship. You just have to work at it.
Read more