My Testimony :

Well as most things go , testimony's change with time we go through certain versions of our story with god. Sometimes they change for the good and sometimes they take a turn for the worse. Well its been a few years since my last one and it has changed I can already tell you that. Well lets start shall we? What can I say I grew up in a Christ loving household. But here's the catch , to a single parent household my father left my mom early . For awhile it was my mom and me against the world , she made sure that everything I would ever need was provided for me. Food clothing etc and a little bit extra. She was blessed with all she could need at that present moment. But I guess you could say I always struggled with the fact my father was never around. Throughout my childhood, I was given these images and saw different things. Father daughter dance , Father's day I guess you can say each event broke me a little. Where was my father? why didn't he want me? These questions haunted my entire childhood. My mother tried to provide the best answers she could. Comfort when the questions became too much and I broke down. Even though at that time I never knew the man, I always wondered why did he leave? My mother tried her best to provide the best things to comfort me , one of the things she always told me when I was smaller and that I heard in the church was that . The fatherless had a father , our father in heaven. Who would always be there no matter what, though he was not physically there and we could not touch him . We could talk to him whenever we wanted to through prayer and worship. Well sometime later , my mother was blessed with two boys half brothers for me. One the youngest was born healthy , had slight infection and was sent home a few days later. But the middle child my other brother, he contracted an infection which  ultimately lead to kidney disease . This lead to some distance slightly from god, I was about 8.or 9 I cant remember what I do recall . Is being shifted from family's friends house to another while my mother was trying to bring home my brother. I was so scared , I couldn't believe what was happening, I prayed on and on for my little brother to come home. I always wanted a sibling, now that I had one I was upset and scared why wasn't he home yet? Then came the doubt I had with my father in heaven. Why was he allowing this in my family? my mother had always been faithful , I felt I had always been faithful as well. This doubt came in waves as time went by. My mother never lost faith she prayed over and over , through the cries and the pain that came sometimes with kidney disease. I would often pray as well,but I always wondered why this happened to us we are good people. Years went by and soon the disease subsided , I can tell you I am happy to report . Though he still has bumps in the road of his health , he seems to be a happy teenager at the age of 15. And my youngest brother is 11 years old, just as energetic as usual. Sometimes overall  too energetic . So life goes on once Jr, high and high school came around, I was faced with trying to fit in , trying to make friends because honestly they counted . Well where I came from if you did not have at least one friend , you were worthless in some peoples eyes. I never seemed to find that one friend , I had a lot of kids that I knew but no true friend. Apart from this , girls in my age were starting to try to date almost every other girl I knew was "dating someone". This lead to low self worth and low self confidence , my mother always stressed and tried to drill into me . I did not need someone to fulfill, that part of my life I had Jesus and the lord. They would be enough until Jesus and our father in heaven sent someone to me. I read countless devotional telling me . To wait and someday that great prince was going to come and sweep me off my feet.  But still my self esteem, was low  I often did think of suicide because I was not getting what I wanted I was not feeling the way I wanted. But I believe that my faith  and my family is the one thing that kept me from cutting that kept me from taking those pills that would end my life. During church camp my Sr, year of high school I was so worried about everything that was coming. But one night during worship service I was in the spirit and I felt like the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. a Feeling as if someone was hugging me telling me everything was going to be alright. No matter what happened in my life everything was going to be ok. High school came and went    Boys came and went my heart was broken a few times. It wasn't until college , when I truly strayed. My boyfriend (now ex) , came in a whirl-wind I guess you could say it was love at first sight . Well in my case , the first guy that saw me for who I was. in most  words. I was smitten for the most part , he seemed like my dream guy. Caring compassionate , all around loving. But at the same time , his life was plagued with a dark past. Something he wasn't fond

 of . Apart from that he was not christian , he grew up catholic. But at the time of us meeting he was considering himself a totally different religion. Deep in my mind , I knew I should not be with this man. We were not equally yolked, for the most terms. I gave the most precious thing away to him that I had. With the hope that this would be the man I married. And it seemed like that , I had the ring and everything. But here was me with my "love" glasses on. I couldn't see how , his view of the world not believing that there was god. Was poisoning my view of the world that had been so held together by god and family.  But I was living my dream , I was with him we had a cat , I had someone I thought that loved me. And at that time I believed he did we supported each other.  The only thing that we did not agree on was god. He told me , one day that he use to believe in God. But when he was a child continued abuse by his mother's boyfriend. And his prayers for it to stop not being answered, he drifted and soon turned away from god. Different bits and pieces he was searching for God , trying to see if God would prove himself. So that he knew , that he was real, His nana , the sweetheart of a lady and a big influence in my life , was a believer. I worked with her for sometime until I couldn't . sometimes I would be mocked for being christian. He often told me , how can you believe when there is so much proven that he doesn't exist? But somehow , I felt I shouldn't give up on him I tried to pray daily for him to see Christ in his life.  As his nana prayed too for him and all of his brothers.  During all of this relationship we lived together in the apartment we shared. His nana was something else , she was like the grandma that I never had and somehow that was something it hit me hard when she passed. Such a sweetheart and a powerful woman, I still wished for him to see god in his life.  He saw glimpses , in the kindness of people he did not know a friend paying for a tow. When we wreaked , a bill being paid , I believe that the biggest thing was one night , we were visiting a town nearby as a couples getaway a double date of sorts. He was suffering from a asthma attack, late at night . The paramedics refused to treat him at the hotel , they wanted to take him to the hospital but that would cost money. Granted I do need to tell you we were living within our means but we fore fitted certain things like health insurance. So as soon as the paramedics left , we went back to our room, he struggled to breathe . I stayed up the whole night with him . trying to help him breathe. We called his nana , in hopes that she would know all she could offer was prayer. So I decided to pray as well. I prayed as he wheezed and gasped for air , my heart breaking I could not make it go away. 5 am, we finally told the clerk we were leaving for home so my boyfriend could get his meds our trip was canceled this guy had seen the paramedics come and go .  He knew why we were in town , he saw the look on my face as I watched everything unfold. The clerk held on to the key , for a moment and spoke " Im not sure if your a christian or not , so Im not sure how this is going to sound , but God spoke to me tonight , he told me to help you two. my girlfriend has a machine, with meds and some more breathing help. Once I know she is awake , I will call her, I would hate for all of you to cancel your trip ." The words shocked me , he was truly showing his light I couldn't believe it. We seldom fought , when we were together but when we fought it got ugly. Time went on , as it did I began to see another side to him paranoid . controlling minuplative . I asked if I could work at church camp one Sumner. I was told no, that I would not go, red flag after red flag popped up. My heart faltered , I loved him so much  but this pain of feeling rejected loosing freedoms I oftened loved. I had my friends or who I thought were my friends turn away from me. Most barely spoke to me , let alone invited me to anything. They still dont now that I am back , they act different. I dont feel welcomed , but I dont let it bother me. I looked at everything that had happened in the course of 3 years loosing friends and loosing even family , my mother when I left town refused to talk to me. 3 months past before she tried speaking to me again and that was hell. My little brothers mean everything to me, I wasn't able to see them or speak to them. Who knew my break was coming? one night I was sitting on the couch doing my regular thing when. He walked in , to put in in simple terms he wanted a break. He wanted , to take some time alone without me , I cried I cried hard. Our life at that point was hard we were supporting each other , his brother his brothers girl friend and 3 pets. Him and his brother worked but it still wasn't enough. Money was tight I barely ate , he barely ate to leave food for his brother and girlfriend. We made sacrifices to keep afloat and it was tearing us apart. Apart from the hurt I was feeling and the stress of the household.  I felt horrible towards the end. The last night we ever saw each other, all we did was yell at 2 am , my world was falling apart . All I could do was cry , then when both of us fell into bed at some time early in the morning, I couldn't sleep still , I tossed and turned I cried my whole world was falling apart. It broke my heart , for the last time , he rolled over grabbed me and pulled me close. I lost it , I did not sleep that night , the following morning , he demanded I leave. I couldn't stop crying. But something was telling me LEAVE, while you can. While a little part wanted to fight for what we had. But I packed everything, that I owned with a few exceptions. And I left , that was the hardest thing I have ever done was leave something that I thought was everything and it was . I had to start new and fresh, I had no where to live , my mother took me in. I started school on campus I started to get back to the things that I loved. Faith , Life , Family, I joined groups to keep me busy and granted they do. Im getting back to the things that I love , Im turning to God and now trusting him with HIS plan for my life . I have new friends and some old. And I cannot wait to see all the things that God has planned for me.
"she lost him but found herself and somehow that was everything". <3