My life, beautiful and crazy

Well , found out a lot of things these last weeks  Cam will not be going into the army national guard due to eye problems. Well they lost a very good solider , he took it a little hard the first day but then he was ok. Once one door opens another closes , that's what I say  . But life goes on , in the house of Lucero Im still trying to find a job due to the lack of people not needing anybody . But im trying so hard many people think im moping , but im not the trouble is .. there are no jobs here unless you beg on your hands and knees . Or just wait .. honestly last time I was let off it took me two months before I finally got in another job . Its hard and its so freaking frustrating when you think you found a job or someone who might take you . But they cant because they cant afford you or they staff out of town. I hate it , people are starting to honestly think im lazy but im not , im sorry im not fit for the job im sorry , I cant do this or this .. I hate it .. I honestly wish I still had my old job . And things were better , I hold soo much guilt for losing my job . it isnt even funny . I sit there and think what if ? what if? I tired harder what if I had health insurance to cover my sickness before I was let go? People tell me its not my fault but im sorry , I lost my heart and independence with money of my own. Its hard for me , im use to being the goody girl who has a stable job and income. I dont like it , one bit to ask for money for the small things , im not a spoiled person but when you depend on yourself for so long . And buy almost everything for yourself once you got a job its hard. And then with the fact I keep getting feelings of that im better off going back to school and becoming a college grad . Honestly .. you have to know im so use to being sheltered , told how to act .. told how to dress .. It frustrated me .. when girls had parties or get togethers with friends . I was stuck at home babysitting or studying . I never fully got to be myself , never got to show people the real me .. honestly I can tell you there are two people who know the REAL me , my best friend and partner in crime Tabitha . She knows most of my feelings and how I am , And then Cameron , he knows but not the whole story. And people think they know the whole story , and they know how I am and who I am but .. they dont know it all and it hurts because most of the story hurts . It does , I was controlled most of my life  .. like I said earlier .. told how to act how to do in school  etc. etc.
people think .. its was only the usual .. but no it wasnt .. my mom took it to a whole new level . You didnt do what you were told or acted right .. its like you werent even apart of the family . Im probly at the moment considered the black sheep in my family to most people who know us . Well my Family .. And I hate it .. I will always be judged for who I am .. and my choices .. people think I wanted the life or the path I was on . Yes I admit I wanted some of it .. but not all of it .. bits of it .
Im going to end this post with this pic .
Walk a mile in the life I lived and the life I use to live and then judge me......~~~~~~