Ambiguous Grief , misunderstood grief

 

I haven't written in this blog in forever , but I need to start writing again. Sharing my feelings in hopes that someone knew they weren't alone in their struggles always made me feel like it was worth it. If just one person understood , and knew that they weren't alone in this then my little blog was worth it. And honestly its a dying art , not many people blog anymore. 

So back to the subject in question Ambiguous grief , or “ambiguous loss.” is defined it as occurring when there is a physical absence with psychological presence (e.g., a loved one is physically missing or bodily gone) or when there is a psychological absence with a physical presence (e.g., Alzheimer’s and other dementias). Ambiguous loss differs from ordinary loss in that there is no verification of death or no certainty that the person will come back or return to the way they used to be.” 

This was coined or first brought to attention by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970's who is a family therapist. While she treated missing in action military spouses, in these situations where someone was absent but still considered "alive". This term focuses on a wide range of situations , including parent estrangement a loved one being lost to addiction or mental disability. Or a loss of a relationship or friendship ,what is truly at the core though is someone was lost to something but they still are alive. Another uncommon but fits the definition is  military service , and I don't mean this in an offhand or disrespectful way. But how do we grief someone who is still alive? I am going to put myself out there and say I have experienced this several times in my life. I am currently living through my 3rd loss , I had created a friendship with someone that turned romantic and then back to friendship and then back to romantic. Until I "lost" him , around june of last year. When we feel this kind of grief we may feel some sort of embarrassment or even some sort of shame. I do know at times , I feel embarrassed why should I be crying about someone who left me? I definitely deserve someone better who isn't going to be feeding me crumbs of love and emotion. I know hopefully soon that I will find someone else someone better , we sit there and make up excuses and hide the fact that we are grieving . I was watching tik toks yesterday , and one stuck out to me . The most common grief , that people think of  there is a definite final word to it. You see a "body" being laid to rest , people see it you see it . There is a closing there is some sort of closure and others see that happening , they send condolences food etc. But with Ambiguous grief , the person is still alive in some sort of way it may not be in the way that we think but they are still among the living. When you disclose this grief sometimes and not by the fault of others they may look at you and wonder why your crying over a loved one that may be alive. This is where sometimes the aspect of embarrassment and shame come into play as well. By that reaction you often feel well it could be worse.. physically they are still around. I think I go through these phases where I feel like I am fine and everything is going fine and then I have a good day or bad day and I cannot text the person anymore. Because I am choosing to create distance between us and so did they. And then I fall apart at the seams , I cry , I cry for the life I thought we would be having by now. And I believe that is another aspect or in most ways what we grieve is the what if. What if this person remained in my life? what if this happened? etc etc. Personally I believe that its the core of this grief , the what if . Our version of life died with the ending of the friendship/relationship. So in most ways there is a death but it is something not physically visible think about a casket when there is a physical death. I did my best in this certain situation to learn to live on , to take away reminders ( gathered everything given to me by him and have them stored away) . And I decorated , and added new things , tried to introduce new love into my life , but still yet grief remains. And that's the funny thing about grief it has no timestamp no ending , you just have to try your best to face it head on. Because as much as you try to forget it or stop it or shove it down you run into reminders , buildings , restaurants and items will still remain. 

With this , you have still Ambiguous grief in another form another situation so I did give an example when someone is completely out and completely withdrawn but still alive. But then as you recall I brought up military service , this is the sometimes emotional and physical absence but they are still here and you still talk but they are someone different. I am , the Oldest in my family and I have four younger brothers . Just to keep things straight I will never probably meet the other two but I did grow up with the other two. I have one that has been currently serving in the United States Airforce for about 3 years. When he left , I believed the whole family felt some sort of version of Ambiguous  grief. While mine manifested more physically I cried alot .. before Basic and some during and some times during and now sometimes its manifests while letting go and having him return to base while traveling. I do feel like I have done a lot of growth since then. A lot less crying and more just overall , coping and living life. Like i've quoted and said , grief in general does not have a timestamp , although I feel okay now. I do know there was a time where I did struggle. But 3 years in I do my best to cope and what does that look like? With everyone its different , some turn more into their faith others pick up a new hobby. Or they may search for a passion or turn to therapy just to name a few. Either way its something that has its good days and its bad days. There are so many changes someone goes through when joining the military, and its okay to grieve the person we thought they might be.  One thing is for sure I am so proud of him , but its okay to grieve the what if's in life. The military has done so much for him and provide so many opportunities for him. And he is definitely different in so many ways , but its alright. I know everything will be alright in the long run. 

So how do you know if you are going through Ambiguous grief?

1. You have experienced a significant relationship loss, and your loved one is still living.

2. You have hope that your lost loved one will return to you as they once were or that the relationship will be restored to what it once was.

3. You find memories or the loss of the relationship occupy your thoughts.

4. Your feel disconnected from yourself or others because of the loss.

5. You feel as though this loss has made it difficult to move forward in your life.

With this if you answered yes to two or more of these phrases you are dealing with Ambiguous grief.

A few things to remember as well .. 

• Remember that the present doesn’t override the past.
• Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss.
• Be open to a new type of relationship.
• Connect with others who can relate.

You are not alone , in a world with so much social media there are so many avenues to reach out and talk with others who can relate.  💓

This is hopefully the first in many new posts , and sorry if my format is a bit everywhere its been quite awhile since my last post.