Maybe im Scared ,

-


 


I wouldn't think of this as much as of a life update , but rather me expressing my feelings and emotions on paper. 

So please bear with me if my thoughts at the moment seem like a mess.  Ever since I closed the door on one "serious" relationship . I knew within that time I needed to be happy with myself , be happy alone and understand myself a bit more. But within that I've gained the knowledge of those things that damaged me or changed me . Through out the journey of trying to alter these feelings or thoughts its been a rough patch of months and days but I feel like I've been through it . Coming out of the other side of that , I am still struggling with fearful thoughts that , people will always leave. Since I've been left so many times in my life and honestly too many times to count. But yet I have not allowed that to not make my kind heart unkind. But just rather jaded , feeling like used and left .. sorta feelings. I want that connection though I want to grow with someone , and learn from someone . I don't want to stay the same nor be standing in the same place I was standing in a few years ago.  Now do I want to start or be with someone right away? no I believe the best relationships have started out as friendships and then grown into something more. Do I follow that sorta dynamic to a T? also a No . I am not a perfect person , I have flaws and as much as some of them I rather not embrace and others I do .  Its all apart of this journey that I feel that I am on. Now I would never want anyone to feel pressured to be or stay in my company . But I would like to have the company, but its still that fearfulness of getting close to someone and having them leave.  Fear seems like the main subject in my life . Are they thinking about leaving? what if they leave? Can I keep moving on with my life? Questions keep running around in my mind. I want to know so much but I'm so scared. And I know somehow these thoughts can be damaging but yet I keep on. My overthinking mind works .. and works into overdrive trying to find an answer to these problems. 

Then on the other hand , my mind goes to this place of defense of wanting to stand up for myself. To yell and to make noise . But if I did express my feelings would that person still feel the same? or would people still feel the same? I am tried of people thinking they are making the best decisions on my behalf. I am grown and I don't need the choice made for me especially if I made the first choice . 


like I said.. thoughts and its a mess.   

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Recovery and Moving on with your life : Its a Process..

-
Image
Its coming up on two years since I packed up my stuff and left the place that I called home for the last three years. Though I dont feel like I should drag out my posts on what happened , then I feel like its a step in a long recovery of loving myself. And loving things before I associated them with him. Tears pouring down my face, I was told things would not change. But they did , I lost a pet ,  I lost someone that I thought loved me. Maybe he did at some point , but the love wasn't there anymore and thinking about it now . I really wish most days I left sooner, one step with recovery is you start liking and doing things you did during the relationship. Talking with a counselor , she also spoke of it being a remembrance of good memories not the bad ones.  I took a small step in that with cooking an egg in a nest, which is a piece of bread with an egg in the middle. Which was something that I loved , when I was with him. He actually made them for me when we first started d...
Read more

When it comes down to it .. You Gave Up , I did not ..

-
Image
When it comes down to it , and its the brutal truth . Maybe someday you will read this or maybe not. Most days I believe that I kept going despite all the craziness that went with your life. If I honestly gave up then I would have left a long time ago. I stuck it out for 3 years, and when it comes close to say it. I would not have changed it for the world , you showed  me so much , what I wanted to have and what I did not need to deal with or deserve. When I do get in that mood or I think about what could have happened. I was the one who was wanting to stick it out until the end. I was the one who would have climbed mountains for you. When you did the basics , you were loving you were there for me when it counted. But at the same time , you lost that same spirit that you once had. But I still remember that day , when you gave up . When you said that is enough , when you sat and told me all these lies. And dont get me wrong , I thought at the time , it was the truth. YOU were the...
Read more

Sometimes you Just have to work at it.

-
Image
Good Relationships , Dont Just happen they are built over a span of time . Sometimes are riddled with mistakes and sometimes things are just jumped quick. For example , my relationship is something that at the same is the most unperfect thing in the world. We jumped things way too quick, we moved in too quick and we did a lot of things way too quick. Our relationship does need work and  we do know it. Sometimes well all the time you need to be honest with yourself , sometimes change is good when thinking about a lot of things. As I'm not going into details because that is my private life , but honestly when thinking about it sometimes change is good. And sometimes change is needed when improving a relationship. You just have to work at it.
Read more